A Different Kind of Thankful

I think I made the sign of the cross tonight the only time aside from when I pass what’s left of the dilapidated Christopher st. train stop. I’m still an atheist though, do not be fooled for my pause for tradition and respect. Sometimes you have to put aside your beliefs for someone else, for a gesture even if nobody sees it.

I was sleeping until 3 in the afternoon, because that’s what I do the minute I have freedom from classes. My friend had texted me, she found her dad not breathing in his chair on Thanksgiving day. Her grandmother died only on Monday. I couldn’t even fathom something like that as I had just woken up, I texted her back furiously probably one of the not-perfect things to text back “Wait, what? What is happening I can’t even understand.”

Those are the moments that can’t be encapsulated, especially in a facebook status of a few characters on someone’s life at that second. It seems that the death of someone close to someone close to you makes you cherish the things you have which seems really cruel and suckish that you get spared to reminisce while your friend is the pawn in the supporting characters of your life who don’t get the screen time for their own tremendous loss. It makes your understanding of the trivial being trivial from such events equally trite and unworthy somehow. And if you even dared mention that there are crueler injustices in EgyptAfricaRussiaIran any place that is always immensely suffering, the kind compared to the moments someone is trying to vent for even the microscopic moments people need to mourn for, in order to make me feel foolish, I will punch you so fucking hard in the mouth you’ll bleed every time you think to speak out of turn again.

Generally I prefer being by myself, especially on Thanksgiving because I’m a recluse not because I don’t love my family or that I have any dysfunction keeping me from enjoying their company. I’m not trying to make you or myself feel guilty for being lucky to have something she doesn’t or anyone else to feel deprived otherwise. This isn’t a moment to bring you down either. It just is a fraction of something that is happening and my need to articulate it into the endlessness of the internet. I am indeed thankful for what I have even when I seem indignant. I’m fortunate right now and both damned and not damned to be. And I’m sorry Kristina, that someone so positive and tries to keep things in perspective has to have this happen now or at all. I won’t dismiss what you’re feeling by offering phony solutions or an empty promise of how if gets better, because it will, but saying it right now would be the positively worst thing for me to say. I know there is nothing I offer that will do anything or say something profound or meaningful. But I’m sorry anyways.